So Far, So Good

I don't feel like coming off BC has been as terrible as I anticipated (of course, I have yet to experience my first cycle without it).  I don't scale weigh but I have felt bloated and my pants are definitely a little tighter but I am getting ready to start the AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge (more on that later) to cleanse my body and we have started a new "clean eating" diet so hopefully that will pass soon.  My face is a little more broke out than normal but nothing that would stop traffic.  The only bad thing was (and I have no proof that this was related to the lack of BC but I'm thinking it's a good assumption) I had some pretty terrible head pain.  Not really headaches because no one of them lasted long enough and there was definitely nothing achy about any of them.  It was about 7-10 days that these random shots of pain would shoot through various spots in my head.  I haven't had one in a couple of days and I'm not mad at that!  They were a little bit terrible!  The clean eating and the 24 Day Challenge is to really clean out my body to prepare it to be the best "home" for the little person that hopefully will be there soon (but not too soon!).  During the 24 Day Challenge the first ten days will be a complete cleanse (ten days of FUN!).  We have enrolled in the emeals website where they are sending me seven recipes every week along with a complete shopping list.  We are enrolled in the Clean Eating Slow Cooker Program.  I'm really excited to see how well it works and if Matt likes the food.   Whether I get pregnant in just a month or in a year I am really looking forward to starting this better eating and seeing it transform into better living!  Oh!  I also did a good amount of research on what all needs to be in the most perfect prenatal and found out that mine was lacking so I have ordered the Melaleuca PreNatal Pack because when I compared about six brands it was the most complete.  The last change that we have made is we have enrolled in the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover.  We are on Baby Step Two.  My DREAM is that before we bring a baby home the only debt we have is my student loans and the mortgage on the house we live in now.  To get there we still have a dental bill and a truck loan to pay off and the house in Dalraida to sell and to actually buy (we are renting now) the house we are living in.  Then to have the student loans paid off (a couple of years before) the kid goes to K5 and our house paid off before they get into high school.  It sounds like a crazy dream but we feel like it is so attainable and we have gotten off to a pretty good start, if I do say so myself!  :)  So, that's where I am today (about two weeks off BC), spending a lot of time researching and preparing my body to be the most prepared it can be.  Next up, we have GOT to start walking (the only form of exercise that I can imagine right now...baby steps).

After 20 Years...

....of being on birth control today starts a new and terrifying journey. Without the knowledge or consultation of any of our friends and family we have decided that now is as good as a time as any to try to add to our family.  Is it normal to be this petrified?  I can't even begin to count all the things that petrify me but here is a list of some (in no specific order):

• This world.  Just today someone set off bombs at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  Are you kidding me?  An eight year old was killed waiting for his dad to cross the finish line.  Earlier this year a fifteen year old girl hung herself because she was sexually assaulted while she was unconscious.  They drew on her private parts and took pictures that circulated through the school.  Everyday a kid just vanishes.  Someone takes them from the school bus stop or from a store or playing in their neighborhood and their families never see them again.  Never.  Should we pluck a precious soul from Heaven and bring him or her down to this?
• Where will he or she go to school?  Montgomery has a terrible, awful, no good, very bad school system.  There are metal detectors and armed guards at the entrance of every public high school and there is not one single "passing" public middle school in the city.  Can you imagine what they will be like 5-15 years from now when my child would be going there??  Magnet schools are not something that I want for my child (I don't think) because we know kids that are there and school is like their job.  One kindergartner has over an hour's worth of homework everyday but two of Christmas break!  I want my kid to get to be a kid!  Tuition in Montgomery at the private schools is beyond ridiculous!  At one private school the K5 tuition is $8,930 for the year and the 7-th-12th grade tuition is $12,912!  And just imagine what it will be in 5-15 years when my child would be there!  My first year of private college cost about $12,000 and I am still paying that off!
• Me and Matt are SO happy!  I mean really!  I don't think our relationship could be much better and I can't see how all the stresses that come with a newborn could make it so.  It sounds silly but we are just so happy right where we are it is hard to imagine being any happier and is petrifying to think of being less happy.  Plus, I love all the time we get to spend together right now!
• I want to be a stay at home mom.  That's hard.  We are willing to make sacrifices because we both believe it is important but it is almost impossible to imagine that we could afford it ever!
• I love to sleep.  I need sleep.  I went years without sleep when I worked night shift and I am not really excited about the thought of going without it again!
• I have been on BC since I was 12...for twenty years!  I hope it is obvious that it was not for "birth control" reasons but because I had horrible periods and very large, very painful ovarian cysts.  Now that I am off BC I have nightmares of those two things returning.
• There are a lot of parents that I think are great parents whose children have fallen away from church as adults and I don't know if I could even breathe knowing that my own child was on the oh so broad path to hell.  I pray so, so fervently that every single decision I make will lead my child towards Heaven because knowing that I made the decision to bring a soul from Heaven to this Earth only for them to make the decision not to go back to Heaven would be the ultimate torture for me.

•  So, so many babies and kids get sick.  I mean really sick.  Am I strong enough to endure that if it were to happen?  I don't feel like I am. 

And these are just a few.  As I write them I well aware of how incredibly selfish I sound (and maybe am?) and probably lacking in faith but these are the fears that have consumed me since last week when we decided I wouldn't fill this round of my BC and I started researching fertility calendars, prenatal vitamins, pre-conception diets, etc.  

I'm not sure if I will ever publish this blog or not but, even if I don't, I have to get this stuff off my chest.  But, if I do just overlook my crazy and know that I  we have spent hours and hours and hours and days and weeks and months discussing and praying about this decision and despite all these fears we truly believe that God has a plan for this little one growing (not growing as I write but if you are reading this there is :) inside me and every time we fail as parents (and we are well aware that there will be many) we have faith that God will pick up for our slack.  And, hopefully, by the time you are reading this I will have grown in my faith and will be completely ecstatic about our upcoming arrival!  You'll just have to keep reading to find out!  ;)

(April 15th, 2013- Day 1 off Birth Control)