- This world. Just today someone set off bombs at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Are you kidding me? An eight year old was killed waiting for his dad to cross the finish line. Earlier this year a fifteen year old girl hung herself because she was sexually assaulted while she was unconscious. They drew on her private parts and took pictures that circulated through the school. Everyday a kid just vanishes. Someone takes them from the school bus stop or from a store or playing in their neighborhood and their families never see them again. Never. Should we pluck a precious soul from Heaven and bring him or her down to this?
- Where will he or she go to school? Montgomery has a terrible, awful, no good, very bad school system. There are metal detectors and armed guards at the entrance of every public high school and there is not one single "passing" public middle school in the city. Can you imagine what they will be like 5-15 years from now when my child would be going there?? Magnet schools are not something that I want for my child (I don't think) because we know kids that are there and school is like their job. One kindergartner has over an hour's worth of homework everyday but two of Christmas break! I want my kid to get to be a kid! Tuition in Montgomery at the private schools is beyond ridiculous! At one private school the K5 tuition is $8,930 for the year and the 7-th-12th grade tuition is $12,912! And just imagine what it will be in 5-15 years when my child would be there! My first year of private college cost about $12,000 and I am still paying that off!
- Me and Matt are SO happy! I mean really! I don't think our relationship could be much better and I can't see how all the stresses that come with a newborn could make it so. It sounds silly but we are just so happy right where we are it is hard to imagine being any happier and is petrifying to think of being less happy. Plus, I love all the time we get to spend together right now!
- I want to be a stay at home mom. That's hard. We are willing to make sacrifices because we both believe it is important but it is almost impossible to imagine that we could afford it ever!
- I love to sleep. I need sleep. I went years without sleep when I worked night shift and I am not really excited about the thought of going without it again!
- I have been on BC since I was 12...for twenty years! I hope it is obvious that it was not for "birth control" reasons but because I had horrible periods and very large, very painful ovarian cysts. Now that I am off BC I have nightmares of those two things returning.
- There are a lot of parents that I think are great parents whose children have fallen away from church as adults and I don't know if I could even breathe knowing that my own child was on the oh so broad path to hell. I pray so, so fervently that every single decision I make will lead my child towards Heaven because knowing that I made the decision to bring a soul from Heaven to this Earth only for them to make the decision not to go back to Heaven would be the ultimate torture for me.
- So, so many babies and kids get sick. I mean really sick. Am I strong enough to endure that if it were to happen? I don't feel like I am.
And these are just a few. As I write them I well aware of how incredibly selfish I sound (and maybe am?) and probably lacking in faith but these are the fears that have consumed me since last week when we decided I wouldn't fill this round of my BC and I started researching fertility calendars, prenatal vitamins, pre-conception diets, etc.
I'm not sure if I will ever publish this blog or not but, even if I don't, I have to get this stuff off my chest. But, if I do just overlook my crazy and know that
(April 15th, 2013- Day 1 off Birth Control)
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