Nausea and a Box of Pregnancy Tests

The past three nights I have been hit with a wave of severe nausea right around bed time.  Severe. Nausea.  Like the I can't go to sleep and laid down on the bathroom for an hour and when I do finally go to sleep it is with a trash can beside my bed kind of nausea.  The rest of the day I am great.  Now, I don't believe it is a coincidence that we started a new phase of our AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge three days ago.  I still bought a new pack of pregnancy tests.  However, I threw them in a drawer.  I'm going to need another sign (or two) before I pee on that six dollar test. 

And, to be braver.  I am going to need to be braver before I pee on that six dollar test.

I. Am. Exhausted.  (NOT pregnancy exhausted, I haven't been able to go to sleep until around 2am every morning and getting up at 6:45am exhausted.)  48 hours from now I will be relaxing at the beach though so, I can make it :)

Quotes

"Don't ask fear today if you're ready for a new adventure. Ready is a myth and fear is a liar. Just start."  I saw this quote by Jon Acuff on Facebook today.  I love, "ready is a myth" because the thought 'I am NOT ready' creeps (really SCREAMS) in my mind EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. that I think about having a baby.  Ironically, I also saw this quote on Facebook today, “A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.” too.  I'm pretty sure that my mom had some kind of cross-stitch, woodblock or some kind of nick-knack while we were growing up.  That is a thought I really like because the main reason that I always think we shouldn't have a baby is because of the state of the world today.  SO many people accept things as "normal and "ok" that the Bible clearly says is wrong.  Of course, on the opposite side of that, if people who are willing to raise children that are not "normal" or "ok" by the world's standards DON'T have kids then there is no hope for the future for this world.  AH!  SUCH A HUGE DECISION!  HOW do millions of people make this decision EVERY DAY?!?

Today is the day....

...that I would start my period if I was on BC.  28 days after the first day of my last period (this all feels like WAY too much TMI even for a blog that I may never publish).  No signs of a period but no signs of pregnancy ever.  I have read several places that it is very normal and even average for it to take six weeks and can even take up to twelve weeks to start after you come off BC so I'm not worried at all.  Also, we started our Advocare 24 Day Challenge today.  So far. so good but that's not saying too much ;)  Last thought, Dave Ramsey said something that made me feel better about becoming a mother than anything anyone ever has before.  There was a woman that called in (paraphrasing, I was riding in the car not writing it down or recording it as he spoke it ;) asking if they were financially ready to have a baby and he got down to the nitty gritty that she was really scared about everything about becoming a mother.  Dave said the same thing everyone said, you can never be ready for a kid.  But, he added that she should feel good about having a baby because the fact that she was giving these things so much thought and prayer showed how much she already loved this baby before it was even conceived.  Today, I feel more at peace about becoming a mom than I ever have before (not READY mind you but at peace :).  Sometimes, it just takes the right words. 

Side note: Today is Papa's birthday.  I have never been more grateful to be able to celebrate someones birthday with them!  Maybe on his next birthday we will have a little one on the way!

Three Things

1.  Sunday, April 28 I woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating.  I tried to ignore it but it kept going off.  I finally looked at it and I saw that I had a missed call from NaNa and some Facebook messages.  I wasn't concerned because it's not unusual for NaNa to call before I wake up (forgetting about the time difference) and Mom, Louise, Leigh and I all are in a Facebook message group and every time one of us replies in there it makes my phone go off.  It's also not unusual for the three of them to be talking a lot back and forth before I get up.  So, I laid the phone down (there was only about ten minutes until my church alarm was going to go off) to get my last few minutes of sleep.  Then it kept going off.  When I looked again NaNa was calling so I answered.  I knew immediately by the sound of her voice that something was wrong.  She told me they had moved PaPa to ICU.  I told her I was going to drive down and she said no to wait until they figured out exactly what was wrong (he was unresponsive).  I called Gin, talked to Daddy (who was on his first full day in the Philippines and not scheduled to return for three weeks) on Facebook messenger and called Louise and Leigh.  Against my better judgement I got dressed and went on to Sunday school (where I had a minor meltdown talking about it to put him on the prayer list- the first of many meltdowns that day) and church.  After church they let us know that they knew there was a leak from the surgery but they had to find out if his body had repair it (they obviously did not want to take a very sick 80 year old back in to a surgery less than a week after being in surgery) or if they would have to go back in.  Again I said I was going to come down there and again I was told no.  Let's wait and see if he needed surgery.  If he did, then Leigh and I would head down there.  As we were waiting for the test results Matt and I decided to run by our rental house in Dalraida to check on a small problem.  We called my cousin Samantha (who lives there with roommates) to see if it was ok if we ran by.  She answered the phone sobbing and told me that she had just been on the phone with my Aunt and that things were worse than they thought with PaPa.  She said she wanted to go if we went down there.  I told her we were and told her to head back (she was about two hours away at a baby shower).  I stayed calm when I got off the phone and completely broke down as soon as we hung up.  I could barely even catch my breath to tell Matt what was wrong.  I told Matt to head to Louise's and called Leigh.  My awesome rock star like sister Louise decided that she could leave Ellie here with her daddy (and the help of an awesome Uncle and friends!) and pack up her not quite three week old baby and ride almost seven hours down there and do what needed to be done.  I CAN'T give her enough credit here!  Anytime I get scared about being a mother (you know, pretty much every day) I think about her and what an awesome mom she is and find great comfort in knowing she will be there to hold my hand along the way.  Ethan also deserves a lot of credit because he could not have been any better than he was!  We barely knew he was there but NaNa knew and he was the best thing we could have brought along to help :)  So, the four of us pack up and ride down there.  There were A LOT of tears, some laughter, no sleeping and a lot of nervousness.  We were definitely not sure he would still be alive when we got there.  On top of all the normal worries, we were sick for my dad (in the Philippines) and Walker (my cousin, in China) and how hard it must be for them.  When we got there PaPa was already out of surgery and we were able to go back and even see him.  He was on a respirator and had tubes poking from everywhere in his body but I can't remember seeing anything more beautiful!  The one thing I kept thinking over and over was how it was a mistake to wait this long to try to get pregnant and that I really hoped I had not robbed my future kid of meeting this amazing man.  

2.  This past Sunday (May 5) Leigh and I started teaching the 0-12 month class at church.  I have NEVER felt less maternal than I did for that 45 minutes.  The baby I held most of the time would NOT stop (never stopped!) crying.  I could literally feel my uterus shudder. 

3.  I listen to talk radio and on Laura Ingrahm (sp?) today they were talking about the Plan B pill and one thing that opponents say to it is that it hasn't been around long enough to see if there are any long term effects.  Laura said, "Look at birth control and all the women who can't get pregnant because they were on the pill for fifteen years."  Geez menetti!  I was on it for twenty!  What if I am among the women who can't get pregnant?  I'm not borrowing trouble but it did increase worries that were already there.